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bottle this whine - you & i collide
you heart the things that i heart:
protest.net / Women's Human Rights net / P.M.S. Media / abortion access project / Bush v. Choice / Buffy Studies / Buffy the Patriarchy Slayer

you appreciate alternative media, media watchdogs, and political commentary...
democracy now! / Al Jazeera English / AlterNet / common dreams newscenter / libcom.org news feeds...class struggle news from around the world / Media Matters for America / News Hounds

you have guilty pleasures (and you analyze them for cultural impact... right.)
the cultural distraction power of celebrity / go fug yourself / pop culture addicts unite!
May 2007
 
 
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April 27th, 2007 10:52 am
bottle this whine

i feel like i am trying to fit myself into a pair of pants that not only no longer fit, but i am not even sure if i think they are cute anymore.  and were they always this short?

i am trying to complete cover letters to apply for jobs at duke in their women's center and women's studies dept.  it is making me feel like a huge loser, and i don't even think that i would enjoy the positions.  1) i don't want to work 40 hours a week when it isn't necessary; 2) i was a sucky student and i am kind of a sucky employee when i don't want to do the things i should be doing; 3) i don't want to measure myself on any scale that uses the word "success;" 4) i continue to wish that i could be an academic, although i know it is not a good fit for me, thus if i am going to work in "academia" i should probably work at some community college where i will not be continually in-hate with myself.  as much as i love self-deprecation, it would be nice to not exist in a stew of it.

but i feel a little stuck.  i feel like i will be going backwards if i take some part-time low-pay job.  my resume is bomb, even if i don't feel as cool as it paints me to be.  my vision of myself has always included that stupid notion of measurable achievement or "success."  and to most that know me, that is what gets reflected back to me.  even though i know everyone supports me, it feels damn weird to think about telling people that i am working at a coffee shop or trader joe's.  i don't want the jobs that i am suppose to have and i can't find the job that i want.  job-culture sucks.  but i might also just be really lazy.  it is such a fine line...

on top of everything, i feel that i have completely lost my wit.  if you see it, tell it i miss it and it didn't deserve a vacation so it needs to get it's ass home NOW.  i have a tube of cookie dough and we can watch ghost whisperer all it wants...

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: construction. a further disappointment.

1CommentReplyShare

meshinda
meshinda
meshinda
April 30th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC)

you are totally reflecting some of my thoughts about myself lately. I'm still working but i'm back on the job market trying to find a job to coincide with my last day working at the county. In all honest I want a job that pays me well and that I like so that I can give 100% effort instead of faking 100%. I feel your pain and if I see your wit i'll give you a holler!


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